Sorry for the lack of posts, self, you were literally poopin’ all over the world. More on that later.

One thing I really like about myself is my ability to dream extremely vividly. Maybe that’s not a personality trait, but it’s something that’s been happening forever. I used to have very frightening nightmares as a small child, but luckily I grew out of that.

My favorite part of waking up is describing my dreams to my dear husband. They are often very amusing, so I started documenting them for the blog. All these dreams were within the last month. Here we go….

I was at a reunion of some sort. There were people I knew from various stages in my life; high school, work, sports. I had to take a poop. The bathroom was occupied by my kindergarten teacher so I used a different toilet in front of everyone, which was just the toilet bowl balanced on a small table, and it fell over and got poop all over my feet. I realized my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Arndt, saw the whole thing. Then I had to take a shower before I was allowed to use the pool (because obviously it was a pool party), and everybody had to watch.

I didn’t clean my car for a really long time (that is a true fact in real life, also) and seeds sprouted in my front window. They grew to be very tall, leafy weeds. When I tried to pull them out, hundreds of teeny tiny ants fell out and ran all around my car. Maybe I should take this as a sign to both clean my car and weed my garden beds….

My boss, Christine, gave me a $150 bill (because clearly those exist) to buy cupcakes for our summer program. I’m walking around “Salzburg” (which really means a very pedestrian town, no cars) trying to find cupcakes. I get one or two cupcakes here and there but there are no cupcake-specific shops to get a whole bunch from. I run into a camp friend, Sonja, who directs me to a place in Notre Dame, Indiana. I clearly can’t go there because it’s too far away, so I return to my stack of cupcakes by a fountain and there in front of me is a cupcake store called Salt n Pepper.

I was working on a cruise ship and we had to evacuate in Saudi Arabia due to fights aboard the ship. I prepared for an interview on a new boat by bringing the lawyer I wanted to work for half a cupcake (what is with cupcakes in my dreams?). My resume was an immigration form for the USA. On my way, I lost the cupcake and couldn’t find it in the trash. Darn.

Jon and I were driving through Colorado and stopped at a park with trails and a maze (this dream was after we visited Schonnbrunn Palace in Vienna, which has such trails and a maze). We were looking at a map and heard a scuffle between two dogs. I go and tell one of the owners that maybe they should put their dog on a leash before they hurt someone. He gets angry and leaves. The other dog’s owner comes over and she is angry because she and the male owner had just had sex and were going to do it again after their dogs played. Ooops? Then we saw Sara Tucker, a friend from college.

Jon and I and several other people I didn’t recognize but were my BFFs broke into an abandoned building to explore, and then the cops were after us. We ran into a St. Louis Bread Co to hide out in a private room for lunch. Eventually they caught us, and only brought me to jail. Jail was a 7-story building with private “apartments”. Jon and one of my unnamed BFFs moved in also to keep me company. We played cards and ate the jail food, which was delicious, and my mother visited. I was worried I’d have to go to court and it would be a felony.

Mindy Kaling was in Holland regularly and somehow Jon and I became BFFs with The Mindy Project cast. I turn into Adam Palley and decide I want to date Mindy in real life, so I buy her a couple’s massage at a tiny Asian place. The Asian woman running the place turns out to be a little prudish and puts my (aka Adam’s) hands in handcuffs and covers Mindy’s poops with pasties to avoid us getting freaky. At one point I sit on a toilet that has a phone attached to the back. I break the toilet.

My friend Sam was getting married on a Tuesday and two of my early childhood friends that were sisters, Leslie and Laura, were also bridesmaids. One forgot shoes so she called the other sister to bring her shoes. She brought her moccasins. She threw them in a pool to turn into high heels and got upset when I asked what she was doing! Also at that moment my sister ran around to the far end of the pool and jumped in.

At church, a whole bunch of members were going skydiving. They left in the middle of the sermon and we all went outside to watch. In the meantime, someone called us the viking vixens. Yep.

I was at a Parade of Homes show with my brother and sister-in-laws, Patrick and Laura. We were touring a house that was designed by Lady Gaga. She designed a long, curvy lazy river pool with the house in the middle of it. The only decor I remember was a series of 3 paintings that had 2 glass bumps situated in such a way that when you stood back, they looked like boobs. We told the curator (because clearly a house designed by Lady Gaga needs a curator) that they looked like boobs and she said “No! They are NOT BOOBS!” and got very upset. We tried flipping one of the paintings upside down, but it didn’t look right. Turns out Lady Gaga is a design genius.

I saw one of my college friends and her whole sorority were doing a beauty pageant. I decided to do it, too! I show up in the full garb and eat all the cookies and wimp out and leave.

After my failed stint as a pageant queen, I went to someone’s house for a Super Bowl party. I was frying cookies (that were in envelopes with stamps on them) in cheese. Our friend James was there talking to his ex about her new man interest. He said, “I can’t believe you like him! He taped you to him with duct tape to keep you from leaving!”. Then I tried to convince Jon to write his old girlfriend a letter.

That’s all for now. Anyone else have a cookie and cheese craving? Just me? Oh…