I don’t even know how to start this.

I had a miscarriage. And it sucked. Still does. More than you’d even expect. It’s so horrible, in fact, that the internet won’t even tell you about it. If you googled “experiencing a miscarriage” you would find various websites telling you scientific facts: miscarriage commonly occurs before 12 weeks. More prevalent in “older” women. You will have some cramping and bleeding. You’ll get your next period in 4-8 weeks.

December 2, 6am.

But what they aren’t telling you, is what I wish I had known, and I would love for every woman that comes after me will know. It’s the truth.

Miscarriage is the messiest and grossest and most physically uncomfortable as well as most emotionally uncomfortable event you’ll ever experience, aside from what I imagine a full-term birth to be like. I said full-term birth, instead of just “giving birth” because that’s exactly what you are doing, in the worst sort of way. You will have horrible cramps. You will bleed for weeks on end, coming and going, and presenting itself in colors you didn’t know could come out of you. Your baby gets flushed down the toilet. It got so gruesome and intolerable for me, I would make Jon come sit with me when I went to the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to experience it alone. And when you aren’t busy sitting on the toilet, you are living your day-to-day life in the weirdest way. Oh, just in the grocery store, but also having a miscarriage. Enjoying a nice dinner out with the in-laws while passing large clots of fetal tissue. I remember thinking to myself “I can’t believe how normal this is, and how normal I am feeling, I can do this. Ain’t no thing. We got pregnant quickly and it’ll happen again in no time.”

And then the bleeding slows, and stops, and then you are left behind. Alone. Where you were once pregnant, just a few days ago, you are now a lone person, empty, missing something so important to you that you can’t get back. It really hurt my heart and stomach to process what had just happened to me. And then it begins. The darkness sinks in. What happens next? After the storm is over? Can you just pick up where you left off? I thought I could.

Christmas Eve, after we shared the good news.

I don’t even know when or where or how it began, but slowly as the days, weeks, and now months went on, I sunk into a pit of despair that is impossible to climb out of. In January we missed my “fertile cycle” because Jon was in Florida for work. In February I got my “period” 3 days after having just ovulated. March, we will see, but I have a feeling we aren’t in the clear yet as far as my body goes. In the middle of all of this, my right hip has started behaving like a little bitch, making me second-guess my decision to get pregnant and toying with the idea of getting the hip fixed, which breaks my heart every time I think about it.

This wasn’t supposed to be what happened! I had my plan! We got pregnant right away on our Belgium trip, and I felt relieved and like I deserved this, after what a crappy year it had been for me otherwise. We would have a bouncing baby waffle arriving on August 11. It would be the best thing we’d ever done. But the lingering thought of miscarriage was ALWAYS on my mind.

At this point there seem to be more good days than bad, but when they’re bad, they are debilitating. Nothing I do can take the thought out of my mind of what (I believe) SHOULD have been. I should have been X weeks pregnant (I’ve stopped counting). I should be feeling the amazing movements everyone talks about. I should be decorating our nursery. I should be excited about talking to and seeing my best friend who is two weeks less pregnant than me and taking the bump pictures we had always dreamed of. It stings. It burns. I start sobbing out of no where. I can’t function. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can hardly breathe, which how large a lump i always have in my throat. I certainly can’t form words to talk about it. Everything seems so unfair, it feels like my body is against me and the world doesn’t want me to be happy. Everything makes me annoyed and irritable and pissed off. The kids selling lemonade on our street? GTFO my yard. My dog barking to go outside? Who do you think you are, you selfish asshole. My husband who didn’t wipe the counters after he cleaned up the dinner dishes? Oh HELL NO you did NOT. My computer that dares take 3 second to load? I will pound my fists on the keyboard because clearly you’re against me too. I just can’t do it. How am I supposed to go on and just LIVE MY LIFE? And how are other people just going on and living theirs? I feel forgotten and left behind and sad all the time. Those words don’t even seem heavy enough for what I feel. It is physically exhausting to try to survive during a bad day.

My body still doesn’t seem to have recovered, because it just keeps bleeding whenever it wants to. It doesn’t help that my OB doesn’t seem to be much help. In fact, I haven’t seen her at all since before I got pregnant. I only saw and talked to the nurses while I was pregnant and miscarrying. Again, I feel like I got forgotten about and no one cared enough to talk to me.

What do i do next? Where do I go from here? HOW do I go from here? I am just supposed to… wait and see? Doesn’t anyone realize how difficult and disappointing that answer is? I shouldn’t HAVE to wait, I should be pregnant! Or at least, my body should be back to normal so I can get pregnant again! I don’t have a lot of time. My hips don’t have months or years to just… wait.

The longer I wait the harder and worse I feel. Nothing is good right now. I am just so sad.

December 28. Baby’s first (and only) picture.

It’s been a solid 8 weeks since I last edited this post. That lonely, dark Sunday was a turning point for me, when I decided I couldn’t do this alone anymore. The next day I called a therapist, and met with her a few days later (February 18). I cried while telling her how dark everything felt, how I felt the world was against me, but left relieved knowing there was somebody else on my team. It also helped (in a twisted way) that she experienced her own miscarriage a few years ago and was currently pregnant with her long-awaited rainbow baby.

At her suggestion, I reached out to my OB for more help and to check in. I made a list of all my symptoms: Constant sadness. Tearfulness. Easily agitated. Anxiety about future pregnancies. Feeling numb. Panic attacks. Seeing it written down made it seem so real, so sad, and made me realize that I really had a serious problem. When I handed that list over (because no way I could say those words out loud), she validated all of my concerns and reassured me that everything will be ok. We created a game-plan for future pregnancies to ease my anxiety. She gave me a script for some antidepressants that I was originally hesitant about, and now wish I had gotten them months ago. I almost immediately felt stable, level-headed, and able to make rational decisions.

It is now April 12. I have been on antidepressants for 4 weeks, and have visited a therapist 5 times. Both things combined have made me feel whole again. I feel like I am waking up to life again – I am looking forward to the weekends once again. I seek out the company of my friends. I honestly answer “I’m doing fine, thanks” when asked. I am at a point where I can’t remember the last time I cried (down from crying – sobbing – many times a day). I can see the goodness in tomorrow.