There is one thing that I am particularly good at, and that is worrying about and overthinking most things. As you can imagine, this whole surgery process was one big continuous anxious event.

I had three months to wait between scheduling surgery and the actual surgery date. While this is fairly standard for anyone getting a PAO, due to the limited specialists in the states, I do not recommend waiting this long. If you are like me, you will take advantage of that time to read about it, talk to other people that had the surgery, think about it, and learn as much as possible about the surgery and recovery. That probably sounds like a good thing, to be over prepared, but it was horrible for my anxiety. By mid-May, about halfway through my waiting period, I had stopped researching altogether and I had to remove myself from the amazing Facebook support group I had become a part of. I had learned TOO much, and was constantly thinking about the negatives, what-if’s, risks, and worst case scenarios. Surgery filled every thought I had, and became so unhealthy because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. If I wanted my hip to get better, I need the surgery. I can either get it now, while I am young and healthy and childless, or wait until my symptoms are more extreme in my 30’s or 40’s, when I have small children to take care of and my body won’t bounce back as quickly, and risk having to get a total hip replacement. The PAO is a hip preservation surgery to hopefully stave off the need to ever get a THR, as those greatly limit your activities forever.

So by the time my surgery arrived, I was not really in a good place mentally. I had tried to stop thinking about it at all and go into surgery with a very open mind, prepared to kick butt in recovery, but if I’m being honest, I felt like a small child inside throwing a tantrum. The day before my surgery, this past Sunday, I refused to pack my hospital bag for the longest time. I was in a state of denial about what was about to happen. Most of my day was filled with on-and-off panic attacks and lots of tears. Why was I doing this to myself? Why me? Why now? Is there anyway I can get out of the surgery? Maybe I don’t need to be active ever again! I can give up running and walking and sports and comfortable pregnancies and childbirth, right?

It was horrible. And then I had the surgery the following morning.